Searching for meaning

Im extremely lost over this situation with my computer and italian customs. Last night an italian gentleman told me that I must stay on top of this situation because the airport in Malpensa is notorious for stealing personal belongings. Of course this caused much too much panic in my heart because the thought I might never see my computer and ipod scares the shit out of me. Of course, I can buy a new computer, a new ipod, but as anyone knows the information I have on there really can never be duplicated or replaced. I have saved the majority of the work on both devices but again, it can never be completely replaced in the same way.

The fact that I am in my third week in Sorrento without my computer and the ability to write as I want too leaves me lost in terms of my purpose. I came here because I love italy and wanted to really experience living in the country and was extremely excited about the oppurtunity to be away from all my responsiblities at home and be able to literally write in solace. I dreamed about writing THE SCREENPLAY that takes my career to the place that I dream of. I dreamt about sitting in a cafe all day creating the love story that I have been waiting to write. The previous weeks while I waited for my computer I wrote in my notebook. I created my characters and story line. I never felt so inspired and have never been able to seemly put together a story like I have with this one. Im ready to go, pumped and excited about what I am presently able to create. But Im stagnant, italian customs refuses to release my bag and at this point neither is the sender, fedex, and the people at my school really able to do anything. From what I hear, this happens often in Italy. Nothing can be relied on, things move at thier own pace. A woman told me she once sent christmas gifts to Italy that took 3 months to arrive.

Being that my main agenda, my incrediable want, is to write this screenplay while I am here, and I am now I am completely unable to do this, I really dont even know why I am here. Even the computer use at the school leaves this more complicated for me. I can sit here all day and work on a computer but I am unable to save work or use my own hard drive . These actions have been completely disabled because of fear of terrorists and secreative use. I kid you not... Just being able to print a piece of paper has been hectic for me. Although there are multiple internet cafes in Sorrento, none of them allow you to print. My only option to print is to ask the president of the school if I can email her a document so she can print it. She's been very hesitant about this and finally I got to her to let me print the actual notes I have on my book proposal introduction from my book agent. But then I asked her if I can actually print the document that I have to rewrite. Again, I was asking too much but because of the situation with my bag she was able to simpathize ( the fact that I cant spell check is killing me, as many know, I cant spell for the life of me). To make matters worse, the computer will not recognize my hard drive so I can not even get the document to email her. So I was able to ask someone to quickly use thier personal computer to find the document and send it. Once the president, christiana recieved it she complained the 14 page document was too long, so I told her to change the font, I dont care just print it. Once she changed the font and got the document to the size she felt appropriate, I was able to print it but later saw that I chose the incorrect version of the document that I need.

There is a lesson here for me and I am not sure what it is. Since I have been contemplating with my frustration with my career, is this the answer I have been looking for? Do I not have and suppose to not have a screenwriting career? Of course this answer saddens me because without being a screenwriter I really have no idea who I am. Since I was a little girl I associated myself with being a writer. My complete existance is centered around this identity. Without being a writer, who am I? I have no idea what I would do as a career, how would I indentify with others, and what am I striving for in my future. Every sense of me is lost when I take being a writer out of the equation. A friend of mine suggested that maybe without the computer I am suppose to be guided to finding out what my supposed career is. This again leaves me completely lost because all I have been doing in Sorrento is eating, drinking, and hanging out with men. If this is the case, I would make a great escort or trophy wife.

After college I backpacked in Europe for a month. I spent money without any thought, and I went place to place with no worry. I partied, I drank, I flirted. I was completely free and juvenile. A huge part of me feels completely guilty because my current travels is becoming a bit like that. As a wonder through the day without a definitive purpose I end of hanging out and having fun like I did in college. I didn't want this type of trip. I wasnt looking for a "vacation" when I spent my families' and my money to do this.

So that leaves me again with the question, why am I here? What am I suppose to do? I believe things happen for a reason and there is a specific reason for this place of uncertainity but when I grasp the idea that I am not a writer, I want to cry. There is no sense of accomplishment or fulfillment when I deal with this possiblity. Therefore, is this where my reason answer lies. I am a writer, this is what I am destined to do. I dont know who I am without this identity, without this clear direct purpose. My purpose is to express my views and share my possible visions of life and joys of living through writing.

Then where does this leave me with being in Sorrento? Where does this leave me when I return back to the United States? and what am I suppose learn from my new computer and my very old ipod with all my favorite music being stuck in Italian customs? Do I give up the constant every day battle to get my bag released and just aim with the attitude "what will be will be"? Or do I fight for what I want with full force and work to make my desires my reality?

Lately I have been writing my screenplay pages in a notebook. As any screenwriter would know this is a little silly because there is a format to how the pages should look like. But what did we all do before computers? There was a screenwriter before there was a computer. I forget about the computer ( at the moment a near impossible task) and be thankful for the ability, the life that I have, the free time, and for a pen and a notebook. Maybe the answer is for me to do all that I can do at my best ability and in this I will find my answer, my calling, my purpose. I believe that our wants are placed within us for a reason. God wouldnt give you a specific want in your life if it wasnt suppose to be there. Therefore this urge to write is apart of me because I am a writer. I can no longer play with this notion that I am not. As one person told me when I first started to work in the entertainment industry, " if there is something else you can see yourself doing, do it". This business is not for the people who would like to be apart of it. Especially writing, it can not be persued as a hobby, it can only be succeed when made as part of your life. Your persuit in every action. Again, when I feel lost during the search for another career I am reminded, I am this, I am a writer.

Maybe this is the realization of my flaws in living my life as a writer. In all honestly, it is not always my pursuit to write in every daily action and I often fall complacent to my current career status. So maybe this where I learn to work harder and not succumb to the road blocks and build the thick skin to be able to write in any situation. Can you imagine the power I will have if I am truly able to write a screenplay with or without a computer!! Its time for me to stay in lined with my power then to focus on where I am powerless. In this practice I can build the strength to overcome anything. As I write this I begin to feel extremely content with this realization. This answer feels right, just like finding that perfect pair of jeans, it is this answer that fits perfect with what I have. And with this, I write my screenplay today, I leave alone frustations of my computer just for a moment and really concentrate on having the day that I invisioned, sitting in a cafe, by myself, away from all concerns and responsabilities and ....writing.