Amare o non amare....

Yesterday was a good day. It seems as thought I'm starting to get an rythem to my life in Sorrento. Today I met my new friend Fabio for coffee. He wants to learn more english and I need to learn italian. We go to a local ice cream shop and before I know it, I realize I am on a date!! Granted, Fabio is not bad looking, tall strong man, but the whole date thing took me by surprise. After he pays for the ice cream he want to walk me through Sorrento, then I mention I need to find a hotel for my friend who is going to visit and Fabio wants to take me on his skooter to look at hotels. After finding a nice hotel he takes me to this amazing cliff that has the most beautiful view of the complete Sorrento coast. Amazing... what a nice surprise date! I'm surprised by Fabio's english. He didn't learn in a class but picked it up from tourists as they come in and out of the bar. His english is so much better then my italian. Fabio reminds me I have only been studying for three days so I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

It's about a half an hour before Fabio has to go to work and I tell him I'm hungry. My plan is to find a restaurant where I can do some work while I eat. Instead, Fabio takes me to this small restaurant where he knows the owner and we have this huge meal! With champagne, wine, brushetta and a whole bunch of beautiful italian food I've never had before. I can't tell you the last time I have been treated like this! He often tries to hold my hand but it makes me uncomfortable. He talks about all the things we are going to do together, go to Positano, rent a boat to Capri...He's different from Daniele, I actually think he is interested in me, he asks me questions about myself, what I think about this and that. Before we part he tries to kiss me, and again I'm completely uncomfortable and pull away. I tell him in United States things move alot slower ( anyone who knows me, knows that this isn't always true) and he tells me Italian men move alot faster, he hasn't felt this way for someone in along time and he realizes that there is a special feeling he is having for me that he doesn't even have for women he can really communate with. You would think I would blush, become flattered but instead my eyes start tear. Immediately brush the tears away so Fabio can't see them, he doesn't even notice, he is that smitten. With these tears, I wonder if my uncomfortablity is about being with a man that I really don't know or if it is the fact that this man is not my ex boyfriend. Fabio talks about spending the next day together, he wants to drive the coast on his motor bike, again I feel the tears coming but I stop them before they arrive. It dawns on me, I'm not ready.

Regardless of being in Italy, on my dream vacation, with a romantic man... I can't get the thought of my failed relationship out of my head. The more Fabio wants to get closer the more I have to face the ugly truth, my relationship with ex boyfriend is over and I MUST move on. But how do I move forward if I feel paralyzed? When I look at Fabio I think off all the wonderful moments in my failed realationship ( i write failed so I can remind myself that it didn't work). Although I know it's for the best, I can't help but grieve over the moments where I thought there was no better place but being near him.

It's funny, I've never thought you can be the one to end a relationship but still be so closely attached. Maybe, I'm just not attracted to Fabio. That's why I'm thinking about the ex because he just doesn't do it for me. Or does he not do it for me because I'm not over the ex? Do I need to be over my past relationship before I can even pretend to move into another one, even a fling in a foreign country? Or do I need the fling, the new experience to completely relenquish the tie to my (again) failed love affair? There is no denying, I have had a great time with Fabio, one of the best dates I have ever had and there is a sense of chemistry with them, we do have fun together and regardless of the language barrier there is a want and need to speak to each other. Do I need to be with Fabio to forget about my ex or do I need to forget about my ex to really jump into the next experience?

I'm so mad at myself for feeling this way. Everyone told me that I would get over him in Italy, once I arrived, I wouldn't even be thinking about it. So far from the truth... I swear to God, he feels so much closer to me, apart of my everyday thought, more here then back at home. It's not a sense of longing, but more of a constant reminder of the way it was. Maybe what I am doing is grieving over my once perfect relationship. Maybe this is what I have to do to really be over it and begin to let go. Learn and except them as memories, memories that I need to know and feel to really understand what love really is. And with these memories I am able to gage who and what I should let into my life. I am thankful that I experienced my ex boyfriend. I am thankful for now truly knowing everything I dream of in a relationship is attainable. Next time I will be able to see the problems when they first arrive, not after they have already laid down and become comfortable in the relationship and align themselves with attachment. Next time I will know what is right and what it takes to fight for it along with the amout of work that needs to be done before you have to let go.

No matter how many times you end of begin a relationship, when you are in that spot once again it feels like the very first time.