Arrivederci....

It's my last day in Italy and like a good american I have spent a big chuck of my day in the cafe searching the web for freelance writer positions. You would think I would be eating everything I possibly can living La dolce vita one last time but instead im obessed with doing the right thing and being completely prepared for my life back in the states.

My trip has ended abruptly I am torn with my return. Everything began to point to that it was time for me to go home so there is no denying that it's the right time but regardless of the signs I'm still not ready to face what I was running from. Which is probably more of the reason that it was time for me to go home : ) It's odd because there is really nothing in Sorrento to keep me here, It's just the fact that I have to come home... God, as I write I realize how spoiled I am. I have a very blessed life and at this point I need to take in the wonderful experience I have had and be thankful that I have a home and loved ones to return to.

Its been a wonderful experience and more then anything it has been a wonderful test of my abilities and seeing what I am made of. Regardless of your surrounding there are personal traits that will always follow you. Just like at home, I was late all the time, I found a group of people and a bar to frequent, and a found a gym to freguent. It definitely made me realize what was important to me and what exactly I need to happy exist. This trip has only manifested how important writing is to me and my soul. Therefore, I return with more of a love for it then a dispise for the career I have choosen. I'm scared to come home because I don't want to lose the piece and self confidence I have found here.

So farwell Sorrento!! I say goodbye to the blue water, the crazy aggresive italian men, the wonderful amazing food and the constant buzz or scooters and cars. I say good bye to my friends that I have found traveling. Just like the family you create on a film site, you become very close during the time you are together but most likely you will never see each other again. I plan to come back to Sorrento one day and I plan to always study the italian language. Therefore there will be a little bit of italy always with me. I'm going to come back one day and happily speak italian fluently. Farewell to my freedom... it's time to face the real world!! I look forward to finding out what I have learned on my journey....

Money....

I'm stuck and I don't know what to do...

My plan before I came to Sorrento was to be here for a month and then I would take a week and do a lil more traveling before I came back to the States. After I booked my ticket I realized that my program was 4 weeks, not one month, therefore since there are five weeks in the month of may, the program ends on the 26th of May, leaving me now with two weeks of travel. At first I was excited about this oppurtunity, and looked at my money and figured I had more then enough money to get by. Since I was living with a family and would not have much of a social life, I probably would spend less money traveling then I do in Los Angeles. This unfortunatley was not my reality. Not only is Sorrento an expensive place, I expected to eat the majority of my meals with my Italian family but aside from my breakfast of coffee and toast ( this is standard italian breakfast) I was never invited to eat with them. Neither was I allowed to use the washing machine or cook my own food.

I can't put all my financial woes on my family. I have never been able to really budget and I assume just like my life back at home, I spent way to much money on eating out at great restaurants then choosing my cuisine with economic importance. Add to this the fact that I had a great two days in probably the most expensive place in Italy, Capri Island, I am now broke for the remainder of my stay. So my plan to go to visit friends in Paris and London are now shot. I don't have enough money to get there and have money to maintain living there so my only choice really is to stay in Sorrento or go back home to work.

Now if I stay in Sorrento, where am I going to stay? If I stay with the Maresca's I would have to pay. Although it is probably a lot cheaper then staying in a hotel.... I really can only afford free at the moment. So Fabio offers that I can stay at his house for the next two weeks. Fabio has two rooms and is very close to the center of the town. He works during the night and sleeps during the day so this really gives me the chance to spend the majority of the time by myself if I wanted to.

I have figured everything out perfectly. I budgeted my money and had a place to stay for the next two weeks but today everything has completely changed. Fabio and I have gotten in an serious argument. Imagine how hard it is to get the opposite sex to understand you when you speak the same language, now throw in a serious language barrier... it's impossible situation. I have no tolerance for stupidity. Once I feel that you have done something without any logical thought, my respect for you is out the window. I then look at my account online and see that money has been withdrawn from my account that I never authorized plus a friend of mine deposited a big check I wrote her months ago. I'm completely broke with a place to stay that at the moment I'm not sure if it's the best situation for me.

I'm frustrated, depressed, and dissapointed in myself. I wasn't responsable enough with my money and now I have to return home a lot sooner then I am ready to. My self discovery journey is coming to an end alot sooner then I expected....In days from now I will be back in Los Angeles... in a job that leaves me uninspired, dealing with self doubt and chasing instant fame. I don't what to come back home but I really don't know what else to do...

Today is my last day at Sorrento Lingue. I find myself anxious and a little scared of the next two weeks. It's really weird... the fact that school is over for me is the first real signal that I have recieved that my time here is actually coming to an end soon. And literally in the same moment I have happy and completely depressed. I miss my friends, I miss the convience of having a car and the feeling of having complete control of where you are and what you are doing but in no means am I ready to return to the life I was living before I left. It hit me like a brick today... wait a minute, I have to go back and be a receptionist? I have to go back home and worry about my career? Think about how I'm going to pay bills? Obligation? Responsability? AWWW!!!

I came out here to descover alot of specific things about myself and I haven't really found them yet. So what am I going to do when I go home? I feel like I have to come home with a clear definite plan when it comes to my life, a new outlook on where I am going and what I am doing. I feel like I have reached a more calm place and have a better understanding of where I want to go and the fear of failure doesn't frighten me everyday. Will this new found patience with life stay with me when I go back home? Is it only because I am in Sorrento and disconnected from my reality in Los Angeles? Regardless of the answers, I am now terrified of coming home and feel obligated to returning with a new perspective. What if I don't find anything? As a woman told me before I left, when you set out to discover yourself, you are taking yourself with you... I think one of the things I am discovering is that everything that I need for my life I already know, I have to tools I just have to figure out how to use them.

I still have two more weeks here and during the time I plan to just write and stay commited to my work. It's going to be an interesting time because now that I have been in Sorrento for a little bit I feel like I know the place so the excitement to explore and be constantly doing something has settled. Now I can actually stay at the house for a long period of time and be happy. Im starting to feel like I live here. I'm writing more then I have ever written. I have written three times the amount I am use to. When it takes me about a month finish one act I have written it in a week in a half. I think being in Sorrento, has helped ease my doubt regarding my profession but I am terrified of getting back into the constant chase and having my self esteem defined by my profession. I think the lesson for me is again to breath and stay patient in the ride of life, not all answers are meant to be had.

Reasons that I could never live in Italy

I always fantasized about living in Italy and now that I have been here for about a month there are things that I enjoy and appreciate about the United States:

MORE THEN JUST ITALIAN FOOD
Even in the most metropolitian cities here in Italy, the majority of the restaurants are Italian. Eventhough I love Italian food I am happy to say that I live in an area where you are given multiple international foods. The idea that people don't have the option of eating indian, thai, chinese, japanese, greek, soul food, or peruvian on any given day is beyond me. I am thankful for Los Angeles's eclectic area and choice when it comes to food. Im a foodie, I can't help it.

SIESTA

Why the hell do the stores clothes from 1 to 5? It makes absolutely no sense to me. Especially during 1 to 5, I have been completely conditioned to get the majority of my errands or whatever I need to get done during this time! Italians work 8 hour days, 9 to 1 and then from 4 to 8. In a way this is does seem more pratical because Americans work 12 hour days but all I can think about is all the work that is not getting done! Literally everyone goes home during this time. You can't go to the grocery store, or the bank, literally during this time the only thing that is open is the restaurant and of course the millions of ice cream shops.

DRYER ANYONE?
Like all the famous photos, Italians line dry thier clothes. It's glamourous but I can't help but perfer what a towel feels like after being in the dryer then being line dryed for awhile. Ladies, imagine, you can't just throw your jeans in the dryer for a couple minutes to get that much need tight feel. You can't find your favorite shirt and possibly wear it that evening. One of my teachers is wearing the same outfit she wore yesterday, I'm assuming her recent load of clothes didn't dry in time.

I'M THE ONLY ONE
Literally there are not enough black people in this area. I don't remember what it felt like when I was in Rome but here in Sorrento and also in Capri, they are in pure shock to see me. I don't know if I will ever get use to the stares of curiousity or literally being the "only one".

INDEPENDENCE?
It's wierd, the women here are raised with a sense of independence, they learn how to clean, are presured to go to college and even are given the oppurtunity to live on thier own. On the other hand, the men are catered to by thier mothers. Most of them do not lift a finger when it comes to cleaning. I know most americans think it is the same in the United States, but the fact that your boyfriend knows how to do his own laundry is way beyond what Italian men are taught. The majority of them do not leave thier home until they get married. So it is more normal to find a man in his thirties still living with his mother then the opposite.

ONE STOP SHOPPING
Imagine a life without Target, Wal Mart or Save on. Literally, you have to go to the grocery store for your groceries, then go to another store for your office needs, go to another store for your toilitries, stop somewhere else if you need to fix anything in the house, and another store if you need to buy electronics. AND to all this before 1 or after 5. Luckily I haven't really LIVED here to have to do all that shopping but I definitely have a better appreciation for the local drug store.

Don't get me wrong, I love my trip, I love Italy, and if I could stay longer I would gladily do it. I could definitely live here for a couple years but I don't know if Italy could ever be my premenant residence ( I can see my mother smiling now). As much as I love the "Dolce Vita" persona of southern italy, it's hard for me to comprehend that a person is not defined by thier work. What do you mean you are going to be a bartender forever? Who is to say what way of living is better, or if one stop shopping is more convienent, but I have to say as much as I have learned being American. Yes, I said it... I am American.

funny thing that just happened...

Ijust went into the American Bar after my spinning class so I can get some free coffee from Fabio and the boys. While I was there hanging out all stinky and funky, this black woman walks into the bar. Daniele thinks she is one of my friends that he met on thursday and says " ah friends of Aireka". I start laughing because he truly believes this woman is one of my friends! I joke with her and say "don't we all look alike" but she doesn't crack a smile, she's pissed. Daniele quickly realizes he made a mistake and approaches her to apolgize. He politely asks her name and she says " I aint gonna tell you". Daniele sits for a second and says "Iaintgonatelya, oh molta dificile, that's hard". As I leave the bar Daniele is still refering to her as "Iaintgonatelya" and asks her if she would like to go out sometime. Too hilarious, I wish I had my camera for that one!

This is for you Cole!!

Im just gonna post a couple pictures of the things that I have previously talked about in my blog.

FABIO....




My families Kitchen... Mama Anna and Sorella Pina



The Tragic Killing in Piazza San Francesco



The coast of Sorrento

KAAA--Pre

My expectations of Capri was nothing like I experienced. Everyone who spoke about the Italian island spoke with so much love and admiration so I knew it was going to be a good time but within the first 30 minutes I was on the island I fell in love more then I have with anyother place I have visited. There is this magical air that takes you when you arrive. I know that sounds silly but it is soo true, I can't tell exactly what it is but there is nothing like this place and everyone in life must experience it.

On this island is where all the beautiful italians live. Women in thier late 50 with the body of a early 20 year old, Older men dressed head to toe just to go to the corner store and kids in sun glasses and matching outfits. Everyone is tan, gorgeaous eyes and happy with lots of money. Aside from the gorgeaous people the island itself is breathtaking. With all the gorgeaous rock cliffs and the turqoise blue water there is just nothing like this. On this island you can do the most exquisate shopping that is mostly only found in a big city, eat the most amazing italian food, explore wild life that is only found in the most rural places and then party your ass off at night or stay in the most tranquil place that you can't hear a thing. This place has it all....

I picked good time to go to Capri. In May the high season is just beginning to start so all the stores and bars are open but the price is half of what you will pay during high time and there is a moderate amount of people there but far from being overcrowed. I came with my friend Rasheedah from back home and her could Soldanah who actually lives in Venice with her italian husband and speaks fluent italian.

As soon as we got there we took a walk through an amazing garden that had breathtaking views of the coast and the Fragolini rocks. Then we walked through the narrow streets and found part of the island where all the local live. We went to dinner at Da Palolino, which all the locals continued to tell us was the best food on the island. We sat and ate dinner in a lemon garden among tables of the famous locals. The food was beyond amazing and of the most fresh food. Sorrento has nothing on Capri. This place although expensive it was so worth it. I couldnt imagine experiencing the island with out this place. We ate pasta, swordfish, and buffalo mozzarella and at the end of the dinner they gave us a glass of lemoncello on the house.

Just like Sorrento, the taxi's are crazy expensive, for a 5 minute drive they try to get you for $20 euros. Thank god I had a fluent italian speaker with me because she often bargined on the price, we would pay less then most locals but still was expensive. We went over to Aneme e Core, the nightclub that all travel books and locals recommend. I think we all expected to find a loud disco with young people but instead we walked into this Tavern where a singer sung folky italian music. The place was full of young and old and everyone stood on top of thier tables dancing and singing at the top of their lungs. I've seen nothing like this! The energy is fun and soo expressive. Within minutes all of us were clapping our hands and jumping to the music. Before I knew it a man came and grabbed my hand and took me up on stage!! I was dancing with the singer and musicans again in that yellow dress!! ( Thank you Rachel Pally)

Immediately when I entered the place I saw gorgeaous older man with dark skin curly blonde hair and blue eyes. He was dressed in a nice button up, nice blazer, and great fitting worn jeans. Giampero continued to make sure I was having a good time in the bar, he was a local and was just hanging out by himself that night. Soon Rasheedah and Soldanah were tired and wanted to go back to the room. Both of them are married with kids... so I stayed with my new friend Giampero.





After Aneme e Core Giampero took me to his hotel. Yes, his hotel.... him and his family own a gorgeous hotel on the island called San Felice. Just like most italian men, Giampero is extremely romantic and suggested we get a bottle of champagne and listen to italian music by the pool : ) He told me about his life on Capri and for ten years he spent every winter in New York working in Italian restaurants. He speaks great english, as he told me " You are so sweet, you are going to make me Diabetic". As I went back to my hotel, Giampero asked me to come back to the island on tuesday on his day off so he can take me out on the boat.

The next day we rented a small boat and took a tour of the island with these two cute italian boys as our tour guides, Fabio and Salvadorian. This was the best way to see the island. We spent two hours on a boat and we saw everything this island has to offer. We saw the goats where the island got it's name from, the amazing blue grotto which will take your breath away, as well as the green and white grotto and drove through the Fragolini rocks. We just layed out of the boat and just took in the air while the boys played a Buddha Bar cd. No wonder celebrites continue to spend thier hard earn money here... this is what life is suppose to offer.





Needless to say, none of us were ready to leave but this place is so expensive, any regular working citizen cant spend more then a couple days here without spending your life earning away. I dream about my next time in Capri.....Oh wait... that's only a few days away!!

If you are a freguent reader of my blog then today is a celebration for us all.... THE COMPUTER HAS ARRIVED!! YEAH!!! The italians are not horrible after all! It's funny after I decided to let go of my frustration and just deal with what I have here, the bag arrives. Maybe I should persue many of my passions the same exact way :) Im still at school at the moment but sometime later today or tomorrow I plan to start posting pictures : )

I use to think if I could eat ice cream and cheese all day without getting fat I would easily do it. I love cheese and I love ice cream, throw in a couple pieces of italian bread and I am happy. So I expected to be in heaven living in Italy. Im so afraid to actually make this public but I MISS VEGETABLES!!! Italians use vegetables in thier dishes but I can't find a great plate of sauteed vegtables anywhere! A big huge salad doesn't exist. Im hungry for it... its like my body needs it! If I get another sandwhich I think Im going to burst!!

My normal diet here is pretty much like a regular italian, toast or crossiant for breakfast with butter, jam and coffee. Then for lunch I find a cheap sandwhich place and have a moderate size sandwhich with cheese, tomato and my choice of meat. Then demending on the day, I really dont each much for dinner, most nights I am soo full from the bread overload I skip the meal. Then there are the nights I am hungry and actually go out to dinner. That ususally consists of a pasta dish with plenty of sauce and cheese or an amazing pizza. Now the pizza that they give you in these restaurants are not just a small lil microwavable thing they give you in the states, this thing can be eaten easily by four people, and the fact that you are in italy, eating the type of food that you will never be able to get in the united states keeps you eating beyond full. It's like an open bar, the fact that it's free makes you come back for more, who knows when you will have another chance to have free alcohol. Francos, on corsa italia, is the place to go. They have amazing pizza that you can actually buy just a slice of. Most places in Sorrento you can't just buy a slice and you can get a huge pizza for a moderate price. You know a place is good if it's freguent by the locals and both times I have been to Francos, I have seen a table of old ladies sharing a try together.

Now that's just the food I am talking about. For some reason, because I am actually not working, I am literally drinking everyday, all day. I haven't really been drunk in Sorrento but I have a glass of wine at lunch, then if I go to dinner I have one or two at dinner and then I have another glass of wine in the bar or cafe or I will have my favorite part of southern italy Fragolino.... which is a strawberry digestive that taste like a strawberry brandy. And then there are the nights with Fabio... I tend to drink a little bit more when I am with him only because he is so sweet and nice to me and the more alcohol I have the more I forget that Im actually not attracted to him. Sad but true, any girl nows that alcohol can make anyone diserable.

So take the crazy amount of bread, cheese and wine, and then add to it that there is a gelato store on literally every corner. Within five minutes there is a huge cone of ice cream in front of you and if you are already a ice creamaholic like I am, in a place like this will power quickly dissolves. I have to say though, I dont each gelato as much as I thought, I probably get an ice cream twice a week. This I think is amazing here in Italy but according to my diet in Los Angeles, my body doesn't see that much ice cream.

Now my savior has been the fact that I walk about an average of an hour a day and take spinning class three times a week. So Im thinking I get to come home with nice toned legs and not even an ounce of extra weight.

I don't know how the italian women do it. How can you not be obese with a diet of pasta, bread, and cheese? Now, the italians are not necassarily small people but there are is a good amount of average size people here. I think the key is moderation. Especially in Sorrento, the only cuisine is Italian. There are no mexican restaurants, greek stands, or sushi places. Just italian. As great as the food is, there really isn't much of an option. Of course they don't know any different but just spending a few weeks here I am thankful for being raised in a place that offers me multiple cusines. Sorrento, is a small country-esqe place, I am sure Naples which is only about an hour away offers a little bit more.

The italian women carry thier weight alot different then american women. Of course this really depends on how your body is made but regardless of the woman's shape, the majority of italian women, big or small, have a tummy. It can be the oddest thing, a small sized woman with nice legs and a pretty face can carry a tire around her waist! And she will wear a tight shirt not aware that maybe she could be offending someone. This is everywhere in Sorrento, and because of the type of food these people eat, Im think it's fair to assume it's everywhere in Italy. Now the bigger the city it is the more vain they are. Overall, Sorrento is in the low grade when it comes to obsessing about your looks.

Because of all of this, I am able to be proud in my bathing suit. The size that I am currently, I don't think I would go near a public pool but here I'm pretty confident. The stomach I carry aint nothing like what some of these women have and although they don't carry hips like mine, most men here are more then happy to watch me leave a room. The first day I decided to lay out by the pool, I was little hesitant to take my dress of but did it anyways. The cute waiter asked me how long I was planning to stay in Sorrento and then found whatever reason he could to come back to my chair. An old man in the apartment building next to the pool stayed on his balcony for the complete 3 hours I was there. Every once in awhile when he thought he was in my view he would wave. At first it grossed me out, doesnt he got something else to do then gawk at me? And then I realized, I still got it! I got enough to make him sit out there for hours! It's hilarious what will make a woman feel good about herself.

So the fact that I am a lil over the food, hopefully I feel a lil less inclined to spend money :) I havent bought a thing here so the amount of my money goes to food. It's funny I am complaining now about italian food but I bet my first night at Dominico's I will be wishing I was back in Italy.

Searching for meaning

Im extremely lost over this situation with my computer and italian customs. Last night an italian gentleman told me that I must stay on top of this situation because the airport in Malpensa is notorious for stealing personal belongings. Of course this caused much too much panic in my heart because the thought I might never see my computer and ipod scares the shit out of me. Of course, I can buy a new computer, a new ipod, but as anyone knows the information I have on there really can never be duplicated or replaced. I have saved the majority of the work on both devices but again, it can never be completely replaced in the same way.

The fact that I am in my third week in Sorrento without my computer and the ability to write as I want too leaves me lost in terms of my purpose. I came here because I love italy and wanted to really experience living in the country and was extremely excited about the oppurtunity to be away from all my responsiblities at home and be able to literally write in solace. I dreamed about writing THE SCREENPLAY that takes my career to the place that I dream of. I dreamt about sitting in a cafe all day creating the love story that I have been waiting to write. The previous weeks while I waited for my computer I wrote in my notebook. I created my characters and story line. I never felt so inspired and have never been able to seemly put together a story like I have with this one. Im ready to go, pumped and excited about what I am presently able to create. But Im stagnant, italian customs refuses to release my bag and at this point neither is the sender, fedex, and the people at my school really able to do anything. From what I hear, this happens often in Italy. Nothing can be relied on, things move at thier own pace. A woman told me she once sent christmas gifts to Italy that took 3 months to arrive.

Being that my main agenda, my incrediable want, is to write this screenplay while I am here, and I am now I am completely unable to do this, I really dont even know why I am here. Even the computer use at the school leaves this more complicated for me. I can sit here all day and work on a computer but I am unable to save work or use my own hard drive . These actions have been completely disabled because of fear of terrorists and secreative use. I kid you not... Just being able to print a piece of paper has been hectic for me. Although there are multiple internet cafes in Sorrento, none of them allow you to print. My only option to print is to ask the president of the school if I can email her a document so she can print it. She's been very hesitant about this and finally I got to her to let me print the actual notes I have on my book proposal introduction from my book agent. But then I asked her if I can actually print the document that I have to rewrite. Again, I was asking too much but because of the situation with my bag she was able to simpathize ( the fact that I cant spell check is killing me, as many know, I cant spell for the life of me). To make matters worse, the computer will not recognize my hard drive so I can not even get the document to email her. So I was able to ask someone to quickly use thier personal computer to find the document and send it. Once the president, christiana recieved it she complained the 14 page document was too long, so I told her to change the font, I dont care just print it. Once she changed the font and got the document to the size she felt appropriate, I was able to print it but later saw that I chose the incorrect version of the document that I need.

There is a lesson here for me and I am not sure what it is. Since I have been contemplating with my frustration with my career, is this the answer I have been looking for? Do I not have and suppose to not have a screenwriting career? Of course this answer saddens me because without being a screenwriter I really have no idea who I am. Since I was a little girl I associated myself with being a writer. My complete existance is centered around this identity. Without being a writer, who am I? I have no idea what I would do as a career, how would I indentify with others, and what am I striving for in my future. Every sense of me is lost when I take being a writer out of the equation. A friend of mine suggested that maybe without the computer I am suppose to be guided to finding out what my supposed career is. This again leaves me completely lost because all I have been doing in Sorrento is eating, drinking, and hanging out with men. If this is the case, I would make a great escort or trophy wife.

After college I backpacked in Europe for a month. I spent money without any thought, and I went place to place with no worry. I partied, I drank, I flirted. I was completely free and juvenile. A huge part of me feels completely guilty because my current travels is becoming a bit like that. As a wonder through the day without a definitive purpose I end of hanging out and having fun like I did in college. I didn't want this type of trip. I wasnt looking for a "vacation" when I spent my families' and my money to do this.

So that leaves me again with the question, why am I here? What am I suppose to do? I believe things happen for a reason and there is a specific reason for this place of uncertainity but when I grasp the idea that I am not a writer, I want to cry. There is no sense of accomplishment or fulfillment when I deal with this possiblity. Therefore, is this where my reason answer lies. I am a writer, this is what I am destined to do. I dont know who I am without this identity, without this clear direct purpose. My purpose is to express my views and share my possible visions of life and joys of living through writing.

Then where does this leave me with being in Sorrento? Where does this leave me when I return back to the United States? and what am I suppose learn from my new computer and my very old ipod with all my favorite music being stuck in Italian customs? Do I give up the constant every day battle to get my bag released and just aim with the attitude "what will be will be"? Or do I fight for what I want with full force and work to make my desires my reality?

Lately I have been writing my screenplay pages in a notebook. As any screenwriter would know this is a little silly because there is a format to how the pages should look like. But what did we all do before computers? There was a screenwriter before there was a computer. I forget about the computer ( at the moment a near impossible task) and be thankful for the ability, the life that I have, the free time, and for a pen and a notebook. Maybe the answer is for me to do all that I can do at my best ability and in this I will find my answer, my calling, my purpose. I believe that our wants are placed within us for a reason. God wouldnt give you a specific want in your life if it wasnt suppose to be there. Therefore this urge to write is apart of me because I am a writer. I can no longer play with this notion that I am not. As one person told me when I first started to work in the entertainment industry, " if there is something else you can see yourself doing, do it". This business is not for the people who would like to be apart of it. Especially writing, it can not be persued as a hobby, it can only be succeed when made as part of your life. Your persuit in every action. Again, when I feel lost during the search for another career I am reminded, I am this, I am a writer.

Maybe this is the realization of my flaws in living my life as a writer. In all honestly, it is not always my pursuit to write in every daily action and I often fall complacent to my current career status. So maybe this where I learn to work harder and not succumb to the road blocks and build the thick skin to be able to write in any situation. Can you imagine the power I will have if I am truly able to write a screenplay with or without a computer!! Its time for me to stay in lined with my power then to focus on where I am powerless. In this practice I can build the strength to overcome anything. As I write this I begin to feel extremely content with this realization. This answer feels right, just like finding that perfect pair of jeans, it is this answer that fits perfect with what I have. And with this, I write my screenplay today, I leave alone frustations of my computer just for a moment and really concentrate on having the day that I invisioned, sitting in a cafe, by myself, away from all concerns and responsabilities and ....writing.

As we get deeper into the italian language my once upon a time love has turned into dispise and hate. Italian is like Spanish and has a masculine and feminine form for its words. Like spanish but more complex, there are articles listed for every sentence depending on the verb as well as the noun. For instance, you can't say simply "I'm going to the store" The verb "To go" is ANDARE so to say I go it is "Vado" ( the fact that andare and Vado looking nothing alike is a whole nother problem). so store means "Negzio" and it is a masculine word so you must keep this in mind to figure out the correct article with negzio. So the correct translation is " Io
vado al negezio", you use al because negzio is masculine, if negzio was feminine you would use "alla". Now, when you want to specifically say what store it gets even trickier. Eventhough clothes mean "vistiti" in italian, the clothing store means " Il negzio di abbigliamento" and if the specific store name had anything to do with a name, like the store Tilly's, you wouldn't use "al" as the article you would use "da". Now da can't be used for "taco bell" because "taco bell" isn't a specific name dealing with a person. It gets more complicated... you don't eat breakfast you make breakfast, and you dont wear a clothing size, you take a clothing size. Although Mangare means to eat, both dinner and lunch have thier own verbs so you must use Cenare or Panzare if you want to say you eat dinner or lunch. All of this you must remember and use as well as just deal with memorizing what each word means in a new language! Now that's a whole different issue as well because many words have multiple translations in italian. To say "but" you can use "ma" or "pero" and to say "too much money" you say " e molto caro troppo" eventhough money translates to "denaro" or " soldi"..... Extremely complicated.... Today I literally had to walk out of class for awhile because my head just couldn't take it. And it make it even worse one of my teachers doesn't speak a word of english so often she will translate an italian word to english and we will find out days later she gave us the wrong meaning. For instance, she said "simpatico" means funny, so after telling a man he was "molta simpatico"I later find out from locals that I was telling him he is "very nice".

As I get deeper in the language I am realizing the whole time I am thinking Im talking good italian, people are just putting together my messed up verbige and tenses and figuring out what I am saying without me really speaking correctly. This is why my italian mother screams at me " Parla Italiano" when I am speaking Italian!! My four hours of class have been so exhausting I dont even try anymore. There are days where Im so frustrated I don't even care to speak italian anymore and just speak in english. Europeans in total pretty much are fluent in multiple languages and most of them speak english. Its sad but if I really wanted to, I dont even have to go a day speaking italian. A week ago, I would tell people in the stores and restaurants after they greeted me in english, " Io studio parla intaliano, parli italiano per favore". Today, I can careless about the continuation with my studies and just ask for a pizza please.

They say there is an age bracket where you can easily learn another language, I am sure I have missed it. My favorite thing is to watch the young kids speak italian. Their little raspy voices full of some much emotion make me watch to scream "I want to sound like that!" Even with the most nasty sentences, italians cant help but woo you with thier romantic words.

Im not going to give up, one day ( far far far away from today) I too will sound romantic even when I shout" Hurry! Pass me the toilet paper". Now I am determined, I am an educated woman with a college degree! I too must speak italian!

GRRRRRRR

I'm pissed off right now... I just wrote a really long entry regarding my weekend and some how it's now missing off the freakin computer!! Im starting my third week here and I still have not recieved my freaking computer!!!! Everyday I come and use the computers in the school but most of the websites come up in Italian and somehow I pressed some button I obviously did not understand and it's all gone.... Im trying to remain calm but this just only piles on top of my obvious frustration that my computer is not here. Its been held in customs because my brother did not listed the travel book and documents and only listed the computer and the ipod. Can you believe it? So my brother as contacted fedex twice now and given them the correct information but I now was just told by one of the women here at Fedex is waiting for the imfortantion that my brother has sent them twice!! At this point I am terrified that Im not going to get my computer and I am frustrated because the main focal point of my trip was to write in solace. Im pissed pisssed pissed pissed pissed...

Mi la Fine Settimana

So... I just finished my second week and my computer is STILL hung up at customs... This is beyond frustrating because the main focus on this trip was for me to write in solace. So as you can imagine, writing on pieces of paper gets old and I have been finding myself going out more then I expected...



Sherry, one of the girls in my class is also taking cooking class at a school in Sorrento. Each night after they cook their impressive meal people are invited to come and eat. So Natasha, Claudine, and I decided to go there for dinner friday night. The school is called Mama Camilla. This place is far beyond just a cooking school and it is run by a highly expressive italian family. On the same grounds of the cooking school is a bed and breakfast, a hostel, as well as the living quarters for the family. They have two dogs running around the place and everyone that comes is treated like family. This is what I call life... I have dreams of doing this, finding some land in a small quaint place and running a bed and breakfast with interesting people coming in and out. The family is not only just friendly but these people can cook! We had a four course meal of not only amazing food but food that was presented in the most beautiful way. Sherry and Natasha perfer to speak in english because italian is difficult. I on the other hand is determined to get this crazy language. So poor Claudine gets a little lost in the conversation because she is french, with a little bit of english and a little bit of italian. She has spent a week in Italy and is frustrated because she has spoken more english then expected. I spend the majority of the time talking to Claudine in Italian. She's more advanced in the language then I am but we are able to really communicate with each other. I got to say at times Im impressed with myself. At times I can carry a real conversation in italian but there are many days where I cant get too far without having to speak english. My italian mother often gets frustrated with me and yells "parla italiano!" even when I am speaking my best version of the language.



On saturday I went to the beach with Fabio in the near town Mesa. As I spend more time with this man, he is getting more attached and I am trying to hardest to like the man but it's just not happening! We spend the majority of the day on the beach with locals. The beaches in Italy are mainly rock beaches and this californian girl cant get too far on the beach without falling or my feet killing me. Im amazed as I watch italians gallop in the water and run around the beach with no complaints of thier feet. I stayed on my lawn chair the majority of the time and read my book. Poor Fabio continued to stick his head in my face and proclaim " Mi piace Aireka, Mi piace tutto Aireka"... I thought I would never say this but Im getting a little annoyed with his constant purring but with our strong language barrier it doesn't really leave him much to say. I constantly remind Fabio that Aireka is leaving soon, Aireka loves united states and plans to stay there for a long time... but Fabio says he will wait, he will wait for however long he can for her! This italians boy.... very romantic.

Saturday night I met Sherry and Natasha for dinner at one of my favorite places in Sorrento, Photo Bar and Loung. This place is swanky and trendy and semi moderate. The three of us go through two bottles of wine. Both of them are amazed by the amount of attention I get in Italy but I remind them that it's only because I'm so exotic fruit to them. They don't get to see black women walking around here all the time. I don't even get half of this type of attention back at home. The three of us go bar to bar drinking. both women are white, single and in thier late 30's. Its funny who you befriend when you are traveling. On a regular day in Los Angeles, I doubt we would be friends. Thats the great thing about traveling, when you are out of your comfort zone you are able to really explore life in a new arena.

Sunday, like the United States is Mother's Day. I went and bought my italian mother flowers as well as her daughter Lia who has a small son. I decided to spend the day with the family and start to bond with them more. Sorrento's soccar team played an important match that day and the men left to go watch while the women stayed in the kitchen and talked. With both of our language dictionaries Mama Anna and I had a couple hours of converstion discussing love and the heatbreak of it as well as family. She is a sweet woman completely dedicated to her family and she has an interest in me and my stay in Sorrento.



I spent the rest of the night by myself walking through the city and contemplating about my life. At times I get lonely and the more time I spend with Fabio, I think about my ex boyfriend. The more I experience these emotions I realize this time alone is exactly what I needed to really make a change in my life. As a get closer to 30 I ponder my existance and where I am heading. I am thankful for this time in Sorrento to be alone. Being completely alone with only your thoughts and not really having the oppurtunity to discuss with your family and friends builds the independance and the confidence needed to live an abundant life. I smile as I think about what I am possibly going to take away from my trip and bring into my life back in Los Angeles.

I was asked my one of the directors, Olga, if I wanted to go to a soccar game of some of the local people in Sant Angello, the next neighborhood over. It sounded great and a way to meet more people so I said great. I started to ask another people if they were going and a couple people did not even know about it. When I arrived to meet the group I was given a chessy tshirt. We were all wearing Sorrento lingue tshirts. What the hell is this? My new friend Maria, a 19 year old student studying before she has to go to college, rolls her eyes, she too is noticing that she might have gotten herself into something also. It seems like the game that we are going to is for an over 40 men soccar league and the school is one of the sponsors. Not the game I was expecting... and Im not too keen on the fact that we look like a tour group. Eventhough I have been traveling I have been making a sure I still put some effort into my appearance but still try to remain comfortable. Traveling doesnt mean I got to look like a slob, so the tshirt isn't working with my outfit at the moment. I brush it off and go with the flow. While we are on the train, Summer, an american who works at Sorrento Lingue, all of a sudden remembers that she has what I am suppose to say tonight. Say tonight??? I'm suppose to speak???? She hands me a paper in italian and english, its an simple sentence declaring the soccar season open. But still who the hell asked me if I wanted to speak? Why am I representing the school? and again, why the hell do I got to wear this ugly tshirt?

The soccar field is full of families and local people. It reminds me of my days of little league. Mothers with strollers, kids, and teenagers in thier social hour. I admire the italians, family is very important to them and the mother is the focal point. Before the game a group of young girls do a couple dance routines. This aint your local american dance school, these little girls in halter tops and short skirts are shakin and moving to the Black Eye Peas. The oldest has to be seven and the way they are moving is making me embarrassed!! I look around, and the other american students are shocked by the italians don't even flinch. This is normal here! The next group is a good of teenage girls and they are performing latin dance. Ah... something cultural. Ah no... these girls do the snake and hump on the dirt ground to club music and shakira. This is the italians version of latin dance!! It amazes me how much italians love american music. Its not just pop music... Blaze of Glory plays before the game starts. Drum roll please..... It's now Airekas shining moment! I walk with the school's president and the the small towns mayor to the middle of the field. They go on and on in italian about something that I cant understand and then the mic is handed to me... " On behalf of the city of Sant Angello, I declare the over 40 soccar tournament open"!!! Silence.... Everyone in the stands is italian and they dont seem to understand my english. The director takes the mic and says something again I don't understand, the crowd roars and the game begins!!!

I dont stay too long at the game and take off with Maria and Summer to dinner. Maria has been in Sorrento for about 6 months and is returning back to Ohio to start college in the fall in Chicago. This girl amazes me because there is no way to know she is 19. She looks older and is extremely mature. She's been dating a 30 year old italian guy and wonders how she is going to maintain the relationship but knows that she must explore and not be too worried about what happens in the future. Me and Summer, a 28 year old West Virginian who took off to italy to find herself, tell the child not even worry about it. Go to college and have fun, what will be will be. I like summer alot, she's alot like me. She's a drinker, loves not having too many responsablities and is a big flirt. The too of us are having lots of fun and have the same views when it comes to men. Its actually really nice to sit and gab with these women about love and the temperments of men. The two of them keep me hip on the italian customs and let me know that the way that my italian family is about the landry and eating is more then normal. The italians pay alot of money for water so the reason that the mother doesn't want me to wash my clothes there is because it will be more expensive then ususal and family dinners are very sacred for the italians, no one is invited to dinner, a girlfriend or boyfriend doesnt come to dinner until they are ready to be married. We laugh, drink wine and question our waiters sexuality. I say goodbye to them and walk back to my house. Regardless of the stupid shirt and the monologue I had a good night.

The school has alot of more people here then last week. It actually feels like a school. There is an interesting mix of people now, and I actually have class mates. There is another black woman here, Jennifer, and immediately after spotting each other we ran towards each other and hugged. There is this beauitful thing about black women, without saying a word to each other we understood the experience of being in italy and regardless of who the other person was we are immediately happy to be in thier presence. Without knowing Jennifer, I know her. She is part of a group of photography students from Ann Harbor Michigan who are here for three weeks. She seems about my age but I might be wrong because she is still in college.

In my actual class, there is Sherry, Jim, and Natasha. Sherry is in her late 30's and from New York. Shes actually traveling for 8 months and is taking a year off of work. Im extremely intrigued by how she is able to do this. She said she worked in computers... humm.... maybe her family is wealthy. That is definitely one of the things I plan to find out. Natasha is from australia. She too is in her late 30s and is traveling for three months. She has worked with her company for 10 years so she has earned a 3 month paid vacation! How nice is that!! I wonder if that is an australian thing. I dont know too many companies in the United States that will give you three months paid leave regardless of how long you have been there. It is hard enough to get a month of paid pregnancy leave in the United States. Jim is also a New Yorker. He is a retired lawyer who writes a political column for a local newspaper. He is in his 60s and him and his wife are taking a lil over a month vacation to celebrate thier 33rd (i believe) wedding anniversary. Now, that is how you retire. I hope to have a life like that when I am 60, young vibrant and fortunate enough to afford traveling the world. As I spend more time with these people I realize the need and want to travel is not just for young people and I pray that this need never leaves me. Thankfully, I have choosen a profession that can allow that. I just need to continue to work hard and not let the frustrations of the entertainment industry get to me because there are not too many businesses that pay as much and allow you to have the amount of free time you want or believe you deserve.

I am actually really starting to get italian. Granted, I am far from being fluent but I can actually hold a conversation with someone and understand what they say back to me. I am learning that the trick is to continue to speak italian, even when I am around people who speak english. When I am with Nello or Fabio I try to only communicate in Italian. They often laugh at me but the practice is allowing it to sink in my head.

Being that I am getting a little better with my italian, I am beginning to flirt a little with my cute italian brother Antonino. Now that I have reached out to speak to him, he too is taking an effort in speaking to me. I have found out that he works two jobs, at a museum in the week and a bar sometimes on the weekends, and also goes to school. Still havent figured out what he is studying. He said vocabulary but I cant understand why a 28 year old man would be studying vocabulary. I am now being to realize his disinterest in me in the beginning has more to do with the intimidation of speaking with someone who speaks another language.

Things here are beginning to form a type of normalicy. It is nice but I still havent recieved my computer and I am getting sick of working out of a notebook. Finally, I have recieved confirmation that it is in Italy but is waiting to be cleared by customs. Of course, I found out my brother also took four days to actually send it out. I did find a nice internet cafe that I can work out of. Its very quiet during the day and takes on a club atmosphere during the night but surprisingly I have been able on two occasions to actually do some work eventhough Gwen Stafani is blasting around me. My goal is to actually come to the states with a new piece of written work. I really hope the computer arrives soon so that can happen.

Un notte pazzo

My very quiet evening of writing in the cafe ended very badly. I left the cafe around 1 am feeling very complete with the work I did. On my way walking home I ran into Pasquale, who I haven't seen since that night at the American Bar. I was first happy to see him because now I can walk with someone. Sorrento is a very sleepy place, there is rarely any crime but as a single woman in a foreign country I still would like to be accompanied by someone. Pasquale is pretty fluent in english, thank god cause at this time of night I really don't have the brain compacity to try to conversate in Italian. About half way through our short walk, Pasquale asks again if I would like to stop for a drink. I tell him no, I'm tired. Then he asks if I want to get a bottle of wine and chat at my house.... these italian men never stop. I tell him no again. He seems to finally understand. Then he asks me about Fabio and how is it dating him. Great, I'm now known as Fabio's girl. I tell him that Fabio and I are just friends, I'm on vacation in italy, I have no interest in having a boyfriend while I am here. For some reason he takes that as an invitation and kisses my arm. Not hand, but arm. I pull away and tell him that's no appropriate. He backs off.

At this point, I am over the agressiveness of the Italian men. Why can't I just walk down the street, have a conversation with someone without a man trying to take it to another level? It was first flattering being seen as exotic and admired by the italian men but now it's getting offensive and too much for me to handle. There is now more people at the school so I plan to spend less time with these "suitors" and start establishing relationships with the other travelers.

When I get to my door, I pull out my keys. They are not in their usual spot so I dig and dig through my bag.... I have freakin forgotten my keys inside. It's now after 1 in the morning and the only way for me to even attempt to get in the house is to walk through the completely dark garden and knock on the main door. My mind starts to race and I imagine me fumbling through the garden waking up the sleeping family. Pepe, the father wakes up from the noise comes outside with his gun, and with my broken italian and him not understanding a word of english, he doesn't understand it's me and he shoots me. I'm dead in Italy and my mom is pissed off at me for being so irresponsable. So, I stay away from trying to get to the main door. As a last resort, I text message Pina to see if she is up and there is no reply. Great, I have no place to stay tonight. I think about calling Fabio, but I decide against staying with a man that I barely know who will most likely try to molest me through the evening. So I travel down the road to the closet hotel and decide to just get a room. I stop at Hotel Leone and the man at the front desk is terrified of me, he doesn't want me to stay there and options that I should go to the nearest hostel. I tell him I am staying here and I can offord it. I pull out my credit card... Where is my credit card!! I spill out my purse on his counter and I'm starting to cry, WHY? WHY?? IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!! I run out of the hotel as fast as I can to the cafe I was just at and pray to god over and over again that my credit card is still there. Sure enough, it's there and no one has taken it. The waiter even apologizes for allowing me to leave without it. So I walk back to Hotel Leone and this time the scared man refuses to answer the door for me. Swear to God, he thinks Im crazy and pose some type of danger. Not too sure if this is racism or he's just put off by the fact that Im completely emotional at two in the morning looking for a room. So I walk looking for another hotel. Sorrento is not like Los Angeles, the majority of the hotels actually close their doors at night. The only hotel I find open is Hotel Antichue Mura. It's a beautiful hotel that sits off the lake near Piazza Tasso. Alesandro, is at the front desk and gives me a room for $150 dollars, this is a discount he says. At this point, it's my safety or my money. I go for the safety. Of course only in my life the only open hotel is the expensive one. Granted, $150 is moderate, and thank god I have the money. I enter the most beautiful room and place my butt to sleep only to wake up in 5 hours and return back to my house. I walk into my room, there on my little table sits my keys. For this moment on, I hold them dearly as if my life depends on it.

La Dolce Vita

Before I left for Italy, a co worker gave me a video tape of a aerial view of the southern coast of Italy. I wasn't too turned on by this gift and the video tape sat in my bag for a couple days. I finally put it on and was blown away! Not only is Southern Italy gorgeous, but I was seeing exactly where I was going. This experience was far better then looking at pictures, it made my trip real, tangiable. The plane follwed a windy road along the amalfi coast. I was watching as people moved, and cars traveled right in front of me. This was the best gift anyone could have given me. Today, I was on that exact road, in my bright yellow dress on the back of a motorcycle! Fabio took me to Postiano. We drove a good 30-45 minutes in the wind. The beautiful sea on my right and montenous rocks on my left. I screamed bellisimo not believing my eyes. This was like the same feeling I felt when I went to Venice for the first time, for a moment I was amazed, "this place actually exists"! At one moment I found the courage to let go of Fabio and lift my arms in the air and yell " LA DOLCE VITA" at the top of my lungs. This is the type of moment you wish there is a portable video camera that follows you throughout your life so that you can play this moment over and over again. This here is the life....

Positano itself wasn't as exilerating as the drive there. It's an amazing architectural experience. The town is built extending up a mountain. But aside from being beautiful, there isn't much to do in Positano. After about an hour and half of Fabio constantly begging for a kiss it was time to go. I think I'm realizing it's not the ex boyfriend, its that Im just not attracted to Fabio. I'm in the most romantic setting but I have no urge to be close to him and the more he wants to be near me the more I pull away. It's unfortunate because Fabio is charming, sweet, and we actually have a good time together but he just does not do it for me. I'm not giving up on him though, he's too sweet and smitten to let him go. Plus, having a couple boyfriends in Italy is definitely helping my limited money situation : ) Plus having a man adore you while showing you treasures in Italy is far better then paying a tour guide to take you around in a bus with 30 elderly travelers.

Im gonna get myself into trouble... and that might not be a bad thing....

The other day, I took a walk up Via Del Capo. It was a little bit of a hike but I enjoyed it. This street, where most of the expensive hotels are, has the most amazing views of the coast of Sorrento. I stopped at a beautiful hotel, Minerva, to ask about the rooms. If I come back to Sorrento, I'm staying here! The conseirge (forgive me for the mispellings, can't really do spell check on a italian computer) Nello speaks good english and he saves me from my broken italian. Nello asks me if I would like to have coffee sometime so he can help me with my italian. I have quickly learned this is the italian man's safe way to asking you out on date. Nello is fairly good looking but I am attracted to him because he seemed intelligent and worldly.

The next night I met him for a drink. Nello is the most interesting person I have met in Sorrento. He is a hunter, a classical ballroom dancer, and a masseuse. He speaks italian, duetsh, and english, and he has worked in the hotel business for 9 years. He has spent years both working in Positano and Capri and would like to take me to both. He's a pure gentleman. Nello takes me to a small bar in Piazzo San Franceso because he knows that I am intersted in being with italians then the tourists. Then he takes me to a small pizzeria, which he believes has the best pizza in Sorrento. It's fun because this place is the late night spot full of young italians. I don't see one tourist. I'm happy.

During our date, we walk through Piazza Tasso a couple times and we pass the American Bar where Fabio works. Each time we walk through the square, Fabio is standing outside. I had saw him earlier and told him I was having dinner with the girl I was living with, so I'm caught in a little lie but I just wave as if I have nothing to be guilty about. Nello walks me home and we make plans for him to take me to Positano on Wednesday.

The next day, I met Fabio early evening for a drink. Fabio takes me to the exact same bar that Nello took me the previous evening. The waiter recognizes me and smiles. Fabio asks me if I would like to go to Positano the next day. He will pick me up at school, have lunch and spend the day there. What am I suppose to say? I can't tell him that I have plans with Nello for Wednesday? I can't lie and say I am going with friends... he knows I really don't have friends in Sorrento... So I do the only thing I know I can do and say yes... let's go to Positano. So now I am going to Positano twice for the very first time! Positano is a smaller town then Sorrento, I just hope the waiters don't recognize me each time I go. There ain't too many American Black Girl's in this area...

Alright... I'm trying to fight it but a girl is lonely. I thought I was lonely back at home but there is nothing like the loneliness of being alone in a foreign country. I have been lucky enough to find male companions here but there is nothing like the familairity of your best girlfriend or your family. Seriously, hopefully this is only temporary but if I don't find some friends I don't know how I'm going to make it through 6 weeks! In my first week here I have had three dates... more then I experience in three months in los angeles :) Why am I not stasified with this?

Yesterday, I went to the pompeii ruins. I think here I really experienced the longing to have someone with me. I looked at ruins for hours but without having the ability to express to someone what you are seeing, what it makes you think about, etc...You just walk around in your head. I'm tired of being in my head. I really want to fully express myself without having to think about how to make someone else undestand what I am saying. I want to say complex words with deep meaning. I'm tired of limiting my sentence structure to nouns and searching for the appropriate verb. Yesterday I ran into a nice english couple, i probably scared them because I continued to talk interupting thier nice evening together.

Actually missing my family and friends neve occured to me before I left. I've never had a problem meeting people and establishing friendships but it's a completely different thing I guess when you are in a country where there is a clear communication barrier. I guess I am a little spoiled... I have 6 weeks without any work, living in italy, and I have suitors available every night willing to spend thier last dime on me, but I just can't let go of this feeling... something is missing.

I did the one thing that you don't do on a vacation in Italy... join a gym! I couldn't help it :) It was cheap and a very nice gym and they have tons of spinning classes. The spinning class was so intrigued that I was from Los Angeles and wanted to know if thier class was up to par. Spinning in italy is no joke, these people know what they are doing. The gym watches me in awe as I walk around... I am clearly a foreigner, black and tall, I'm getting these looks pretty much wherever I go. You get used to it after awhile. There is a cute young girl named Rosaria who has taken an interst in making sure I am having a good time at the gym. I think I'm gonna hit up Rosaria to take me out with her friends one night :)

My loving adoring italian family has made it clear that I am a visitor. Though they are there whenever I need something, I am not invited to family dinners or even family lunches. They cook and eat together everyday but it's clear that it's only for them. Can you imagine smelling beautiful italian food but not allowed to have any? I tested this out the other day, they made homemade gnoochi and I traveled down to the kitchen while they were eating, even antinino's girlfriend viviana was there. They all just waved and said Ciao. Lia, the sister who speaks the best english asked me if I had eaten, I told her no but then she asked me why not? but never invited me to a plate. Later, I asked Mama Anna if I can do laundry here over the weekend, she told me of a nice laundry mat on the main street Corsa Italia :) Again every nice people, but I am clearly the nice foreigner they would like to keep as that.

It's a beautiful day today. They first all week. So am going to go hang out at the beach and write... and then go out with Fabio. Hopefully somewhere between the beach and fabio I connect with a couple people.

Amare o non amare....

Yesterday was a good day. It seems as thought I'm starting to get an rythem to my life in Sorrento. Today I met my new friend Fabio for coffee. He wants to learn more english and I need to learn italian. We go to a local ice cream shop and before I know it, I realize I am on a date!! Granted, Fabio is not bad looking, tall strong man, but the whole date thing took me by surprise. After he pays for the ice cream he want to walk me through Sorrento, then I mention I need to find a hotel for my friend who is going to visit and Fabio wants to take me on his skooter to look at hotels. After finding a nice hotel he takes me to this amazing cliff that has the most beautiful view of the complete Sorrento coast. Amazing... what a nice surprise date! I'm surprised by Fabio's english. He didn't learn in a class but picked it up from tourists as they come in and out of the bar. His english is so much better then my italian. Fabio reminds me I have only been studying for three days so I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

It's about a half an hour before Fabio has to go to work and I tell him I'm hungry. My plan is to find a restaurant where I can do some work while I eat. Instead, Fabio takes me to this small restaurant where he knows the owner and we have this huge meal! With champagne, wine, brushetta and a whole bunch of beautiful italian food I've never had before. I can't tell you the last time I have been treated like this! He often tries to hold my hand but it makes me uncomfortable. He talks about all the things we are going to do together, go to Positano, rent a boat to Capri...He's different from Daniele, I actually think he is interested in me, he asks me questions about myself, what I think about this and that. Before we part he tries to kiss me, and again I'm completely uncomfortable and pull away. I tell him in United States things move alot slower ( anyone who knows me, knows that this isn't always true) and he tells me Italian men move alot faster, he hasn't felt this way for someone in along time and he realizes that there is a special feeling he is having for me that he doesn't even have for women he can really communate with. You would think I would blush, become flattered but instead my eyes start tear. Immediately brush the tears away so Fabio can't see them, he doesn't even notice, he is that smitten. With these tears, I wonder if my uncomfortablity is about being with a man that I really don't know or if it is the fact that this man is not my ex boyfriend. Fabio talks about spending the next day together, he wants to drive the coast on his motor bike, again I feel the tears coming but I stop them before they arrive. It dawns on me, I'm not ready.

Regardless of being in Italy, on my dream vacation, with a romantic man... I can't get the thought of my failed relationship out of my head. The more Fabio wants to get closer the more I have to face the ugly truth, my relationship with ex boyfriend is over and I MUST move on. But how do I move forward if I feel paralyzed? When I look at Fabio I think off all the wonderful moments in my failed realationship ( i write failed so I can remind myself that it didn't work). Although I know it's for the best, I can't help but grieve over the moments where I thought there was no better place but being near him.

It's funny, I've never thought you can be the one to end a relationship but still be so closely attached. Maybe, I'm just not attracted to Fabio. That's why I'm thinking about the ex because he just doesn't do it for me. Or does he not do it for me because I'm not over the ex? Do I need to be over my past relationship before I can even pretend to move into another one, even a fling in a foreign country? Or do I need the fling, the new experience to completely relenquish the tie to my (again) failed love affair? There is no denying, I have had a great time with Fabio, one of the best dates I have ever had and there is a sense of chemistry with them, we do have fun together and regardless of the language barrier there is a want and need to speak to each other. Do I need to be with Fabio to forget about my ex or do I need to forget about my ex to really jump into the next experience?

I'm so mad at myself for feeling this way. Everyone told me that I would get over him in Italy, once I arrived, I wouldn't even be thinking about it. So far from the truth... I swear to God, he feels so much closer to me, apart of my everyday thought, more here then back at home. It's not a sense of longing, but more of a constant reminder of the way it was. Maybe what I am doing is grieving over my once perfect relationship. Maybe this is what I have to do to really be over it and begin to let go. Learn and except them as memories, memories that I need to know and feel to really understand what love really is. And with these memories I am able to gage who and what I should let into my life. I am thankful that I experienced my ex boyfriend. I am thankful for now truly knowing everything I dream of in a relationship is attainable. Next time I will be able to see the problems when they first arrive, not after they have already laid down and become comfortable in the relationship and align themselves with attachment. Next time I will know what is right and what it takes to fight for it along with the amout of work that needs to be done before you have to let go.

No matter how many times you end of begin a relationship, when you are in that spot once again it feels like the very first time.

"Negro Boobs"

Let me introduce you to Daniele, my first and really only friend (if that's what you call someone you know for two days) in Sorrento. I met Daniele on the train to Sorrento from Naples. Daniele, a short confident man with very curly hair approached me on the train speaking Italian. I simply told him I don't speak english, which did not stop him from talking to me, Daniele speaks pretty good english. He owns a bar in Sorrento that is catered towards American and English customers cause the "pound is strong". He pretty much spotted me as a foreigner which he will never admit. Daniele made sure I got off at the right stop and even allowed me to call my temporary family from his cell phone...what a gentleman. We exchanged numbers and the next morning Daniele texted me "good morning" asking if I needed anything. It's a nice feeling knowing that I know someone in this foreign place but even in the beginning I'm a lil suspicious of Mr. Daniele. I don't find him harmful. Far from scary but there is something about him... who can he be so nice and accomedating but no nothing about me. Nothing about me at all. I just don't trust that. The more time I spead with Daniele I realize that he is infatuated with America and if he can get there any way possible he would. So he tries to make sure I have a beautiful time in Sorrento in hopes I will one day to the same for him in Los Angeles. I caught on to his game quick. Now, this doesn't mean Daniele can't be my tour guide, I just need to stay game to the fact Mr. Daniele got an alterer motive.

The next day I meet Daniele in the Piazza Tazzo. When we meet in the square, Daniele notices alot of commotion, I don't really notice anything but the tons of people that have been in Sorrento since I've been here. Daniele is on alert and immediately crosses a police tape and asks me to come with him. What? but then I notice others are doing the same thing. Italians are damn curious, the police tape does not stop them. So I follow Daniele and a couple other bratty kids towards the commotion and right there in front of me is a body bag. So close I don't know what to do. I'm even afraid to pull out my camera. In less then two hours ago, three people were killed while walking through the small piazza. Above them where men doing some construction work, the small "balcony" the workers were in literally broke and fell on top of these people, a man, his grandmother, and his daughter in law. The police finally take notice of all the people near the body and demand we move away. Again, I just follow Daniele, cause I can't understand what everyone is saying.

Americans are nosy but the italians take it to another level. If there is an accident on the freeway, we all have been guilty of slowing down and trying to get a good look but the italians actually park thier car, get out and hang out the police man until the body is moved. I swear I sat out there with Daniele and now his brother, his brother's friend and his girlfriend for about an hour and half, just looking at a body bag and a whole bunch of police man. It was like we were just sitting there, waiting for something to happen. The busy american in me just takes off and finds something better to do.

Two days later, the crime scene is still marked off and the broken construction vehicle has not been moved. People are still walking around in a fog, the fact that someone has passed away is devasting to the people of Sorrento.

Last night I hung out with Daniele and his friends in his "american bar". I have been trying to stay away from this place hoping to find out where the locals hang out but I've given up realizing that Sorrento is a sleepy town, the people here really don't do much but eat and drink and that's about it. It's a quiet night so it's just me, Daniele and his staff; Franceso who is in love with japan and is going to study there, Michael the perverted dj, and Fabio, the sweet and akward real gentleman of the group. A couple people come in and out but it's just mainly us. The boys learn I am from Los Angeles and immediately they want to talk about entertainment. Michael tells me how much he loves " dark women" and that "dark women are a level above italian women.Flattering, I go with it. Then Michael asks me if I know "Negro Boobs". His friends laugh and then hit him, telling him to be quiet. Michael has obviously said something to me he should not have. So I ask him what the hell is this "Negro Boobs"? In his best version of english he asks me about the "hot mamas in music videos, negro boobs". Do I know "Negro Boobs". This is my worst nightmare. I have been arguing with my friends in music videos about this and to tell you the truth I'm disgusted that I am right. I knew it, as much as black women are now being glorified for our beauty and bodies, we are being striped away from any class or prestige. This man and his friends have coined a term for these "sexy dark ladies" and they want to know if I dance like these "Negro boobs". Do I have moves like them? Do I have body like them? Honestly, I try not to get mad at them because they really don't know better and they are not asking me in any derogative way they are honestly curious, they fantasize about these women and want to know if they are real and I am the closest version to what they watch all day on TV.

I tell them that not all black women are like that. That many of us are not wild and dance like that. Many of us go to school, make lots of money and dream about having children and having a family. I tell them that I am one of these women, though I can be "Negro Boobs" but I choose not to. I choose to be known for what I can accomplish and be celebrated for my words and my actions, not just shaking my ass. This is what I always feared, around the world men are watching these music videos and saying "I want a black woman like that". They don't fantasize about Oprah Winfrey, Iman,Tyra Banks, or Halle Berry! They fantasize about these women that they see on the music videos who have no name, no voice, no thoughts, just body, just "negro boobs". Michael then asks me if one of my parents are white because I have good brown skin. I tell him that both of my parents are black, he seems a little surprised. Michael is a sweet man but misguided by what he thinks America is. I watch them get excited when Justin Timberlake plays, I listen as they refer to Jennifer Lopez, and ask me about Brad Pitt and here is when it dawns on me that not only America, but Los Angeles, has soo much power in this world. What happens in the entertainment industry, whatever is created in this hub, affects the world! These men from this small town in Italy is affected by what they see and hear from Los Angeles just like that small young boy who dances like Beyonce on the internet. Being from Los Angeles, it is here in Italy that I finally really realize the power of the entertainment industry and the lack of responsiblity we have. I don't really think people can understand this power until they travel out of the country. I'm walking down the street and I hear Robin Thicke's "Lost Without You"! It's interesting enough that italy has it's own superstars and musicans but they never acquire the fame or international success stars from the united states reach.

The boys start to get a lil wild and the alochol begins to set in. Pasquele, the new arrival who promises to take me out Friday to a beach bar on his scooter, ask me if I want to get a bottle of wine and go back to my place. I calmly tell him no, I don't know him and this american girl is not like what you see on tv or experience in your "american bar". You need to do alot more work with this American Black Girl then teach me italian, i have to know you alot more then a couple hours and you got alot more hurdles to get through before even being invited back to my place. Pasquele simply shakes his head yes and smokes his cigarette.

Regardless of how fun it might seem... Don't do it. Regardless of how many people agree with you.. Don't do it. And even if your best friend begs you... Never go out and get drunk the night before an international flight. Looking back, I'm wondering how the hell did everyone agree with me. The car was scheduled to pick me up at 4:45 am for a 7 am flight. I walk into the house at 2:30. I made sure I didn't get drunk but even a couple drinks did do me in. I had already packed, I was ready. All I had to do was change my clothes and walk out the door. So I set my alarm and lay down for a bit. But my door bell wakes me up, not my alarm. I look at the alarm and of course my alarm is set, but it's set on vibrate. I look at the time, 5 O CLOCK! I rush out the door and thank god the driver is still there! I apologize profusely. and even from that small exchange I can tell he hates me. I rush around my house and I am out the door in 10 minutes. I'm pretty proud of myself, but Rini, my driver refuses to talk to me. It's funny cause out of the two of us, he's the one making money from all of this. He should be happy I got in the car! But, he hates me... and his way of getting back at me for being late (mind you only about 20 minutes tops... geez) he speeds down the empty road going 100 miles per hour. No kidding. I'm sure I'm going to die on my way to the airport. It's freakin 5 in the morning! No need to drive like this! So I sit in the back quiet and just pray, please God just get me to the airport safe and I hope I never see Mr. Rini ever again. I safely get to the airport and approach the kiosk and then I look around me... something is missing... My computer bag!! Shit!! I left it in the car with crazy ass Rini! I immediately call. Over and over again, but Rini refuses to pick up my phone. I can see him now racing down La Cienega looking at his phone and my bag in the back seat laughing his head off. Now it's time for me to board the plane... I have no option. I got to go. I board the plane with no computer, no ipod, no book, no nothing. I'm just praying more then anything my bag is ok and freakin Rini doesn't do anything with it.

Once I arrive in New York I call Rini again but this time I get the main headquarters and Charlie tells me my bag is safely with him. So my bag is driven over to a friends house and sent to me in italy. First disaster solved.

I wait around my gate and notice there are so many freakin people! I ask a couple next to me, are all these people for the same flight? They have no idea, and like the voice of God, it's annouced that the flight was over sold ( how the hell does that happen) and are offering first class to Milan. I imediately take the first class overnight flight to Milan but I don't anticipate the 5 hour lay over before I get to Naples. Awesome, no fun bag, how the hell am I going to get through 5 hours? Who knows, but I do. I finally arrive in Naples and guess what? My bag does not appear on the conveyer belt. So now American Black Girl in Italy has no fun bag and apparently no clothes. I'm in Italy in flip flops and my purse. That's it! and Mrs. AlItalia has no information for me regarding the bag, all she can say is that it's lost and once it's found I will get a freaking phone call! At this point I can't believe this is happening so I really have no reaction for her and just travel to the bus station to get to the train station so I can get to Sorrento. I'm so tired I can really careless about being in Italy, I just want to get to my destination.

Now, my destination... Ah... the Marscesa's my saviors. This family, heaven. I don't think I have ever met people so nice and welcoming. Immediately, they are open to me like I am a long lost cousin. Anna and Pepe, mamma and papa, don't speak a lick of english but they immediately are concerned about my bag and call the airport. Pina and Lia, thier daughters, both speak english. Lia's husband, John Luigi is excited when he hears I speak Spanish and continues to repeat what everyone says in Spanish so I can understand... the only problem is John Luigi speaks way better spanish then I do so I am even more lost! The son, Antino, is gorgeous and my age, but he has a girlfriend Vivanna, and he must be in love cause he doesn't even look at me twice. That fantasy is gone... I have a beautiful room with a twin bed, my own entrance, my own bathroom and a beautiful balcony looking over lemon trees. This is way more then I expected.

The next morning, I travel through the small town to my class. Sorrento is very small. Gorgeaous small town but is busy like New York, tons of cars, tons of pedestrians and they say this isn't crowded. In July it get's nasty. In my class I am the only person. It's great cuase I get the italian teacher all to myself but the problem is I really don't have much option to meet people. That was the main reason why I decided to study italian. But oh well... I make due.

Italian is a much harder language then I expected. It's beautiful once you figure out how to speak it but the rr's and the pronunciaton of c's, e's, and i's are nothing like english. I try to speak the language whereever I go but the people just smile and laugh at me like I am a young child learning my words for the first time.

This beautiful beach town is getting it's own taste of global warming. In the morning, it's beautiful and then in the middle of the day it begins to pour, I mean pour rain. Remember, I have no clothes! So I'm stuck in flip flops and a skirt that Pina was nice enough to lend me! So I run to store to store and buy the most hideous clothes. Right now it's not about style it's about covering my ass up and making I don't fall in the rain. At this point, I just want to cry. Why did I decide to come here? I can't write, computer isn't here. My love affair didn't even have a chance to begin because cute Antino has a girlfriend, and I have no friends, I'm the only person in my class and we must not forget I have no clothes, and now a black girl is in the middle of the rain, in a foreign country with no flat iron or a hair stylist. Why? Why? Why? Why the hell did I come?

That night I truck my wet, smelly, non matching ass back to the house and fall asleep. Anna comes screaming towards my door "Erica, Erica, bagalio" Ahhh... my bag is here!!! I try to warn Pepe in my best version of englitalian that the bag is freakin heavy... I had to pay an extra $100 just to get it here. Of course he doesn't understand and he grunts and he pulls the bag in the house from the rain. Immidiately my spirits lift now that I have my belongings. I stay up with Pepe and Anna and watch the news and together we drink Fragalino, a strawberry wine, which is to die for. Ahh... my trip is beginning to look up from here...at least I hope.